I Want These Motherfrickin’ Snake Tattoos On My Motherfrickin Skin

I Want These Motherfrickin’ Snake Tattoos On My Motherfrickin Skin

These infernal reptiles are always up to all sorts of tomfoolery, so here’s some snake tattoos

Is there anything in this world more badass than a tattoo of a snake? The answer is no. We’re going to dig deep into our biology notes from community college and blow your mind with some snake facts. We’re also going to blow your mind with some totally sweet snake tattoos. Because we are firmly in the business of blowing minds.

There are over 250 species of snakes on this planet that can kill a human with one bite. Why you’d want to bite a snake in the first place, we’ll never know.

Snakes are like lizard worms if worms had eyes and teeth. If you cut a worm in half, you’ll have two worms. Sadly, snakes do not work like this.

Tattoo by Grime, Skull & Sword Tattoo.
Tattoo by Chris O’Donnell, Fallen Angel Tattoo.
Tattoo by Butch Rosca, Butch Rosca Tattoo.

Some snakes have over 200 teeth, despite the fact that snakes cannot chew. These teeth face backwards and exist solely for keeping half-swallowed prey from escaping. This is the perfect metaphor for the kind of emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents.

It is possible for a snake to kill itself with its own venom if it accidentally bites itself. Although we’re pretty sure in most of these cases it just looks like an accident, as to not upset the snake’s loved ones.

From Anaconda to Snakes on a Plane, Hollywood has been solidly obsessed with snakes forever. Unfortunately, modern CGI has put most Hollywood snake handlers out of business.

Speaking of anacondas, they mate in giant balls consisting of one female and up to twelve males. This can take a month. Even snakes get laid way more than you! Now, that’s cold-blooded...

Two-headed snakes are a reality of nature that happens occasionally. They often do not survive because one of the heads will try to eat the other one. This is the perfect metaphor for what happened to my parent’s relationship.

Thanks to a virus found in mice, some snakes are now facing the threat of “mad snake disease,” which makes them tie themselves in knots. Boy, we sure hope this virus doesn’t mutant into “mad human penis disease.”

Now, I know we’ve made snakes look as though they are cute and charming, but remember, snakes kill over 40,000 human beings a year. That’s so cool. It makes us want a bitching snake tattoo. Take a look at the shining examples we’ve lined up for you today and reflect on how sick all of these people look with a snake tattoo.

Tattoo by Russ Abbott, Ink & Dagger Tattoo Parlour.
Tattoo by Troy Denning, Invicible NYC, New York.
Tattoo by Myke Chambers, Northern Liberty Tattoo.
Tattoo by Dave Fox, Studio One & Olde City Tattoo.

Well, there you have it, our hard hitting expose on snake tattoos. If you don’t want a snake tattoo now, you never will.

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