18 Things Tattooed Seniors Want You to Know

Xavier in Funny

Photo by Alan Powdrill
Photo by Alan Powdrill

Know how all these articles about tattooed old folks would go, "Tattooed Seniors Respond to What Will Your Tattoos Look Like When You're Old" and it's going to be the same pictures of Isobel Varley (rest easy, dear lady) and Miles Better (who?) looking rad as always but the actual seniors didn't actually get a say. Well, basically we're doing the same thing. You can still see Miles and Isobel in here but we've rounded up a few seniors and asked them what's with all  this growing old  thing and the sagging and

1. Yes, we have our share of regrets.

Miljenko Parserisas Bukovic
Miljenko Parserisas Bukovic

There you have it. Yes, we do have some regrets. Maybe a shitty pin-up that looks nothing like Bardot or a koi fish that might make a Japanese slap me for such disgrace. But you know what? We love all that ink. No way we're regretting something we commit to. Besides, it isn't bad as raising a child who would one day grow up to be such ignorant little shits.

2. We are pretty much aware of wrinkles, thank you.

Of course, wrinkles! Who the fuck are we Hellen f*cking Mirren, who never seem to age? Do you really think we were in some kind of drugs that make us forget we won't forever be twenty one when we were getting our tattoos done? We're not only aware of wrinkles; we embrace them. It's coming for us all, anyway. And at the very least, we have something to cover up those nasty things instead of letting them hang around.

3. No, we're not worried for our kids.

Recent from Funny

If there's something we're glad we taught our kids it's that if you're going to get tattooed drunk anyway, don't ask us for laser job money. And oh, just because we busted your ass for coming home with that nasty tattoo at seventeen when we obviously told you to wait 'til you're eighteen doesn't give you the right to send us to a damn nursing home in a couple years. Ain't no one's going to no home for the old'n lame-ass. And before we continue this, someone has to remind me what in the world we were talking about again.

4. And we're not worried for our grandkids.

What makes you think they'll be ashamed of their old geezer?

5. We're still not worried for our grandkids.

Many people might wonder if we'll raise our kids, and the kids of our kids our way. If we'll let them get tattoos and whatnot. Well, guess what. Isn't that up to them? I mean, as long as they're sober. Or at least, go to a tattoo artist who doesn't look as if he got his license from his cousin's basement.

6. No, we weren't a part of the cult of Charles f*cking Manson.

Tattooed folks like us who were around the time those crazy bollocks were happening, people tend to link the 'bad boys' and 'bad girls' with Skinheads, cults and biker gangs. It's like saying everyone from the 60's were hippies and everyone from the 80's worshipped Madonna. You clowns can't be serious.

7. Yes, some of us get new ones done (as long as there's still space).

Not all of us always had tattoos. Some really just waited for retirement or some shit that got in the way of us getting a tattoo. Might start out a little late but you know what they say, the best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago, the second best time is now.

8. We still look sexy as fuck, naked.

Oh sure, we still look like any old people everywhere. We have the usual liver spots, the ugly hair and the saggy everything. But we have our body art for people to look at apart from our lines and marks.

9. We agree, these people have to stop.

Need we say more?

10. No, we didn't raise our kids from crack money.

Age-old misconception. People should  drop this  already. Okay, there was this one time... [Kidding, I hope.]

11. It's true about what they say with love and tattoos.

If he's man enough for a tattoo, he better be man enough for marriage. If he can commit to tattoos, better be committed to one woman. It was a time when you can't just get shit lasered, that's if you want to lay down several quids and put yourself through something that's gonna hurt more than all those needles combined. That's divorce, pretty much.

12. Yeah, we tire of them sometimes.

Like old toys, we're bound to lose excitement of some pieces over the years. It's like having the same meal at the same restaurant for the past two decades. It's not that you start hating it completely, but perhaps giving it a retouch will ignite that fire the old thing needs.

13. We also want some of them gone.

Well, of course. We could all use some extra space, you know. There was no Tim Hendricks, no Jeff Gogue back in the day!

14. Ain't embarrassed about these tattoos, nor are we going to a damn nursing home any time soon.

Rest in Power: Isobel Varley!
Rest in Power: Isobel Varley!

Alright, chap. There may come a time when we will definitely need the help of someone to wipe our ass and to change our knickers. And maaaybe a quite cheeky crotch tattoo is something to get red-faced about but hey, had some good laugh about it in my prime; why not let it sit until I'm worm food?

15. We look so damn fine.

Nick Wooster
Nick Wooster

FORGET THE SAGS, ALRIGHT. Tattoos still look much more interesting paired with an innocent-looking pair of granddad khakis and cotton shirts. You'll see us walking down the streets and you'll wonder, 'Was he in a gang? Was he a biker? Did he ever steal a car? Was he in a band? Did he kill someone from another state?' You'll never know.

16. We were a bunch of stupid kids, too.

We know what it's like to be barely out of our teens and being reckless and adventurous and everything you kids are now. We've been told the same things. We've heard the same shitty opinions. Don't lecture us what you know about traditional and new school shit.

17. The discrimination is still very real.

One of the seniors I talked to shared an interesting story, "Once worked as one of those dopey chaps wearing a fat suit and beard for a month. I was bloody St. Nick! But I guess I must've slipped off the gloves but it's this little girl and the little boys to have their photos taken with Mr. Christmas but the second the mother saw my knuckles, just screamed and took away her kids. Kept mouthing off about AIDS. Geez."

18. Yes, we love the look on your faces when you see us walk by.

'Please don't kill us.'
'Please don't kill us.'

Forty years and counting, still no fucks given.

Special thanks to Uncle Dave and the rest of the cool folks who shared their thoughts in this! Here's to getting a tattoo to celebrate your retirements!

[Disclaimer: Photos shown belong to their respective owners. Tattoodo claims no ownership.]



When she's not writing for Tattoodo, Xavier likes experimenting with art and organizing local music shows. We're kidding, she's probably asleep. Follow her on Instagram @claudia_strife


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