This Is Not How You Get a Tattoo

Xavier in Funny

By now, most of you are probably aware of how one prepares for a tattoo.

It's not something where you walk in to a tattoo shop and point to a random flash then get it done right then and there. First of all, most good tattoo artists don't always take walk-ins and if they did, they're not taking in your drunk ass. It takes time. You need to talk it out with your artist. You need to meet minds with them and play a ping-pong game of ideas. That way, you'll get what you really want and more.

roxannerock / Hub Pages
roxannerock / Hub Pages

Back then, I thought that every tattoo has to mean something really deep but as time passed and I met all kinds of people, I saw that not everyone has some kind of tear-jerking story behind their ink. Some just really liked the way they looked so they made an appointment with some of the best artists in their areas to get the job done. If they can't do it with the interesting story, at least they have the killer tattoo quality to back it up.

This is how you do it. (Artist unknown.)
This is how you do it. (Artist unknown.)

And as time passed, I also realized that there's still a lot of people who have no idea where to start when it comes to getting tattoos so they end up with horror stories. That's one of the saddest 'first world problems'. And by getting bad tattoos is what taints the tattoo name and the industry. I'm glad to see how tattoos have been fairly the norm these days. I think it's time to let these folks now how you get it wrong.

Read the fine print: this is not how you do it.

everyone has a tattoo these days
everyone has a tattoo these days

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Do your research.

By research, we mean, the cool new tattoo you saw on somebody during Warped Tour or something. Points if it's some dumb tattoo that belongs to your favourite celebrity and you want one yourself because you're one unimaginative son of a b-tch who lacks originality. Once you got that sh-t off Google image, print it up, regardless of the JPEG quality and you're good to go. On to the next: the nearest tattoo shops.

tattoo shop
tattoo shop

Visit the tattoo shop.

Check out the tattoo artists at work that day; do they seem tough-looking enough? Do they have full sleeves? How about neck, face, and knuckle tattoos? If they do, then you're good.

make sure they have a permit
make sure they have a permit

Before you leave, look around if they have any sanitation permit or something. You know, so you can rest easy knowing they're ‘legit’. Just look for any official looking document hung in there.

(This is Radeo Suicide. She doesn't have a trashy-looking chest tattoo but she sure is hot-looking.)
(This is Radeo Suicide. She doesn't have a trashy-looking chest tattoo but she sure is hot-looking.)

Points too if they have a hot-looking shop manager with a rather large chest piece. Another point if it's a trashy-looking chest piece.

Courtesy of El Paso Times
Courtesy of El Paso Times

Talk to your artist.

Once you found the one who will get the job done for you, get right to business already. Tell him what you want and how you want it. Be sure to pick an artist who won't question what you desire and is just quite happy enough to be giving service.

never drink before the session
never drink before the session

Celebrate.

Getting a tattoo is kind of a big deal. What better way to remind yourself that done by drinking it up and fill yourself up with good cheers before getting it done. Besides, it's supposed to get calm the tits out of your nerves. Have another drink the next day, hours before you go forth and get thyself a tatt.

roypatrick / Tumblr
roypatrick / Tumblr

It's the big day.

If you plan on skipping the pre-tattoo beer, have a cup of coffee instead. It's good for your hangover from the night before.

UFC
UFC

Of course, for Pedro's sake, take a f-cking shower. Be kind to yourself and the artist. Wear your best, Tapout/Ed Hardy shirt that will surely make you look more of a bad-ass.

tattoo in process
tattoo in process

Show time.

Show up several minutes late, so you wouldn't look like an excited little boy getting his very first tattoo. And act like you're best friends with everyone in the shop. Way to build up the good camaraderie.

don't cry like a little baby
don't cry like a little baby

Take it like a real man/woman! Don't take any of that Tylenol sh-t! And even when you're sure it's not supposed to hurt that way, grit your teeth and JUST. DO. IT.

tip!
tip!

Tipping.

Despite the fact that you can't even look your tattoo artist in the eye after seeing the mess he's made on your epidermis, give him a ten or twenty or something. A for 'affort'.

Courtesy of China Smack
Courtesy of China Smack

Aftercare.

Who cares, all you need to worry about now is when you're getting your next, (literally) ‘sick’ tattoo.

SMH
SMH

Orrr you can just go ahead, get piss-drunk, slap a Benjamin Franklin to some tattoo artist's palm and tell him, “Surprise me.”

don't make a fool out of yourself
don't make a fool out of yourself

Congratulations, you f-cked up once again.

Xavier

@Xavier

When she's not writing for Tattoodo, Xavier likes experimenting with art and organizing local music shows. We're kidding, she's probably asleep. Follow her on Instagram @claudia_strife

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