They May Be Vile Beasts in Real Life, but Koala Tattoos Are Adorable

They May Be Vile Beasts in Real Life, but Koala Tattoos Are Adorable

Thinking of getting a koala tattoo? Think twice before getting a permanent ode to these rapists and murderers.

Most people think that koala bears — with their warbly bodies, snuggly-looking faces, and noses like lumps of coal — are some of the cutest creatures in the animal kingdom. While their adorableness is undeniable, once you find out the truth about koalas, you’ll never see them in the same light again. They’re actually the most disgusting marsupials to clamor around on the planet. Here’s why you might reconsider getting close to a koala in real life, unless it’s just a tattoo of one of the inexplicably endearing little bastards.

The list of reasons why koalas are (contrary to popular opinion) extremely grotesque is as long as a kangaroo's tail, but let’s start with the most precious koalas of all — babies, or joeys as they’re called. At first glance, baby koala bears seem unbearably cute, until you become acquainted with their daily activities, that is, which include doing things like dining on their mothers’ feces. Yep, you heard it here: newborn koalas literally eat shit.

Grownup koalas are even worse. Males secrete a nasty-smelling, brown, tar-like substance from their chests that they rub on everything on sight. Regardless of their goop, you still may think that they’re infallibly adorable, but one look at a koala’s phallus fixes that. Their penises are two-headed monstrosities that will make even the most dauntless individuals turn away in horror. Similarly, females have two vaginas that aren’t very pleasant to look at either. Worst of all, most wild communities of koalas are crawling with chlamydia due to the rampant intercourse they have. Not so cuddly now, huh?

On top of all this, koalas are as lazy as lawn chairs and remarkably stupid. They constantly ingest poisonous leaves that make them sleep away entire days, spending the majority of their lives lounging around in the tops of gum trees scarfing down eucalyptus until their teeth rot. There have even been reports that these degenerate animals are interspecies rapists that kill their victims after satisfying their uncontrollable urges. In short, there oughta be a law against more than just keeping koala bears as pets.

Tattoos of koalas, on the other hand, have all the lovable qualities of their real-life counterparts and none of the revolting downsides. Not only are they cute, but they never do things like snack on poop, gorge themselves on toxic plants, or sexually assault and murder housepets. A koala tattoo is nothing but a bundle of fuzzy joy, even if the critters they’re based on are STD-ridden lechers that excrete sludge all over the place and sleep all day.

To see more animals that look better as body art, perhaps even a few more koala tattoos, make an expedition to these artists’ Instagrams. Should you want a koala, minus the brown goop and chlamydia, on your body, think about having one of them design it for you.

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