It is with a heavy heart that we inform you that the unparalleled Salem — whose wonderfully kitschy narrative gave us such wonders as Mary Sibley unknowingly sacrificing her unborn child to Satan and Marilyn Manson portraying some sort of fisherman/surgeon/barber hybrid — has been cancelled. Ok, so to be fair, Salem wasn’t always the best at plot lines (or, you know, characterization or really anything you need to make a hit television show) but goddamn if it wasn’t one of the most entertaining things on television in recent history. It had everything — witches, apocalyptic plot lines, and Shane West (because to be honest, we kind of thought he just moodily drove off into the sunset in his Mustang after Mandy Moore died in A Walk to Remember. I mean, right? Where’s he been?).
Our point is, for the past three years we have been religiously tuning in every week to see what would become of our favorite semi-fictitious New England town, what Mary’s fate would hold, and how many times Shane West would take his shirt off, and now with each passing week we grow closer and closer to the inevitable — the series finale. So in honor of our beloved show drawing its final breath, may we present our top five moments in Salem (RIP 2014-2017).
1. The Nursing of the Familiars: If anything gave this series context to the monstrosity it would become, this was it. The nursing of the familiars was introduced in the pilot episode with Mary pulling a toad from her husband’s throat, only to nurse it via her inner thigh. Like, what even??? Meanwhile, both Tituba and Mary seem completely unfazed by the fact that Mary is literally letting a toad suckle on a random nipple on her thigh. Interestingly enough, this was probably one of the tamer moments from the series.
2. That time Lucy Lawless aka Countess Von Marburg aka Xena Warrior Princess had a completely Darth Vader moment, and revealed that Anne Hale was her daughter and nothing ever came from that story line. But hey, it’s all good and doesn’t really matter anyway because her mother is now a literal pile of reanimated rotting flesh in a box on a ship in Salem harbor, who makes her son and daughter spit Mary’s blood into her mouth, and then make out? IDK, the Von Marburg’s are a very incestuous bunch. We’re not really sure what to make of it, but the whole family is like something out of a Burberry commercial, so it’s fine.
3. Whenever Satan (aka Mary’s son...kind of?) calls her mommy, and then proposes to her. For real, y’all, there is so much weird, unnecessary incest happening in this show, and it’s hysterical. We mean it with all due respect, Lucifer, you really couldn’t think of another name to call her? Maybe use her given name, perhaps? No? Right, mommy it is then…
4. That HILARIOUS altercation between Marilyn Manson and Shane West last week involving the hidden Red Mercury aka what will turn Salem and basically the entire world into a literal hell on earth. Please know that we mean no disrespect towards either party, as we are very adamant Shane West and Marilyn Manson fans, but TBH that was one of the most ridiculous stage fights we’ve ever seen.
Shane: “I MUST DESTROY THE RED MERCURY”
Manson: “BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE THE RED MERCURY!”
Shane: “I AM GOING TO CUT THIS PIECE OF METAL OFF OF THIS CLOCK, AND HOPE THAT WE BOTH DON’T DIE.”
Manson: “BUT YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CLOCKS!”
Shane: “BUT I AM VERY HANDSOME AND SWEATY”
Audience: “Mmmm...tru, tru.”
5. But the Sentinel discovering oranges for the first time is probably the highlight of the series if you ask us. Fuck resurrecting the devil, fuck Cotton Mather killing his own father, the Sentinel discovering his love for oranges gives us life. Here is a demon who has known nothing of worldly origin his entire existence. Mather decides to show ol’ Senti a good time before our beloved Shane West stabs him to Hell? Death? We’re not quite sure, but basically until he turns into a pile of roaches, and instead of saying something about revenge or the impending apocalypse, good ol’ Senti’s last words are, “I wish I would have had one last orange.” God bless this show and its’ writers.
There's two episodes of the greatest television show in history*. So be sure to tune in the next two Wednesdays to see what becomes of our beloved Salem. It was a good run, y'all. RIP.
*This does not take into account the X-Files, which has been scientifically proven to be the best show ever in multiple universes.