Cats are the absolute worst creatures on the planet. Forget aye-ayes, angler fish, or even the universally hated mosquito — cats reign supreme as the shittiest creatures to ever populate the earth. I personally would need about two sets of hands to count the number of times my cat has completely ruined my life (not to mention my bank account) by peeing, shitting on, or generally destroying everything that I hold dear.
Every cat owner has been there a time or two — it’s what unites us all — the unending suffering for selflessly adopting a seemingly harmless puffball. And whether you’re two or 12 years in, consider this our message of solidarity. We’re in this together, friends.
1. When it’s 2:00 a.m., and instead of sleeping, your cat has decided that now is the perfect time to practice his sprinting, often times using you as his hurdle like some sort of demonic sheep.
2. Those times when he’s not using you for hurdling practice, and instead decides that 3:00 a.m. is a fine time to practice his fucking banshee calls.
3. When you leave the house for two seconds to go smoke a cigarette, and the front door opening triggers some sort of Pavlovian response like, “The door is open. This must mean one thing: FOOD. I will meow until she pays attention to me.”
4. When they stare at thin air as if there’s some sort of ghost looming just outside of your range of vision that only they can see.
5. When they refuse to spend any time with you other than when you’re sitting on the toilet, like, “Hey...how’s it going? So...tell me about your day. What did you do? How’s that pee coming along?”
6. When you wake up in the middle of the night to find them not curled up beside you like a normal, sane pet, but rather staring at you with glowing eyes from the corner of the bed WATCHING YOU SLEEP.
7. But of course, who could forget the times when they heard you really needed a vacation, and selflessly created a beach for you all over the kitchen floor using their litter.
If you are thinking about becoming a cat owner, let this be a lesson to you — they are not your friends. Sure, they may look fucking adorable, sitting there at the shelter, while the volunteer gives you some sort of sappy spiel about how they were rescued off the streets of Koreatown underneath a moving car, but rest assured it is a con. When you find yourself knee deep in hairballs and kibble, we hope you find solace in the fact that you’ve only got about 20 more years left, but who’s counting?