George Washington Probably Could Have Beat Your Ass

George Washington Probably Could Have Beat Your Ass

Long before the days of Kid Rock, George Washington was the original American badass. We would like to believe he'd have sick tattoos.

History is nothing if not a never ending line of total badasses. The first chapter of American history is the story of one such badass — George Washington, our country’s father, first president, and a Revolutionary War hero. If it weren’t for Washington, the present day United States would still be overrun with gross, icky British people.


You probably know the famous story about a young Washington cutting down his father’s favorite cherry tree, quickly admitting to doing such when asked, as he physically could not tell a lie. But no one even knows if that’s really true, it could totally be a lie. Let’s take a look at some actual, verifiable badass facts about old George.


Washington fought in not one but two wars. He cemented his place in history with his actions in the Revolutionary War, but he also fought alongside the British in the French and Indian war. Surely George Washington learned some valuable lessons for his second war during this time. When he eventually turned his fangs on the British in the Revolutionary War, his insight from his time with the British army allowed him to singlehandedly defeat America’s oppressors. At least that’s how I think it went down, some other people maybe helped too. I wouldn’t know. People don’t get tattoos of other people, they get tattoos of George Washington.


Washington is also historically remembered for his terrible oral health. By the time Washington became president, he only had one tooth left, which modern historians attribute to mercury oxide administered to treat illnesses. It is a common misconception that Washington had wooden teeth – his teeth were actually made from the ivory of hippos and elephants. Before that, he simply had a set made of other people’s teeth, which is sick.


Washington died in a totally badass way too. He was sick and sent for his doctors. Washington was a firm believer in the practice of bloodletting, and was just like, “hey, doctors, get some of this blood out of me!” And get the blood out they did – namely half of Washington’s, which, if you’re keeping score at home, is way too much blood.


Upon his death, Washington was honored the only way this great country could – with a giant phallic monument. For whatever reason, 300 years after his death, Americans are still honoring George Washington by getting tattoos of his likeness. So let’s take a look at some true patriots with a Washington tattoo.

Washington’s legacy lives on, perhaps stronger than any other figure in American history. We’re hard pressed to name someone else that died 300 years ago that people are getting tattoos of so frequently.  

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