What is the most sexually apathetic animal? This is a question biologists have debated for centuries, the type of question they get heated about at office parties after they’ve had too much to drink. Biologists are a strange bunch, and their office parties are never really much fun. They usually just sit around and complain about how physicists are treated like rockstars, all the while squirreling away half-eaten club sandwiches in the pockets of their lab coats.
Since there is no analytical way to conclusively measure which animal is the most sexually apathetic, we’re just going to come out and say it’s the giant panda. We checked over our shoulders before typing that – there are no biologists around. It’s just us, and our web publishing platform, which gives us credibility like you wouldn’t believe.
The giant panda is native to China. They eat a diet that is 99 percent bamboo. The beautiful beasts live primarily in the Sichuan Province roaming the Qinling Mountains in search of delicious bamboo. Pandas are a territorial animal and do not socialize with one another. Due solely to their large size, pandas do not have to worry about predators.
Breeding pandas in captivity has turned out to be a real pain in the ass. They seemingly lose all interest in breeding once removed from the wild, and many panda births in zoos are the result of artificial insemination. In the wild, females are only in estrus about two to three days a year. When they do get it on, it is a brief affair, sometimes lasting only thirty seconds. When a baby panda is born, it is, proportionally speaking, the smallest offspring of any mammal on the planet, and it quickly becomes one of the cutest.
Panda fur is beautiful, but the bears have been poached for their fur for centuries. This, coupled with a rapid urbanization of their native China, has left the number of wild pandas low enough that they are a considered a “vulnerable” species. Today, there are less than 3000 giant pandas living in the wild.
But the panda has one thing going for it – it’s super cute. People love pandas, and there have been organized efforts to protect the endangered giant for the last 50 years. However, their reluctance to breed in captivity only worsens the panda’s hope for survival.
With so much love out there for pandas, would it shock you if we said that there were a lot of really great panda tattoos? Let’s take a look at some examples and think about what we can do to save the beautiful beasts.
Well, did those tattoos inspire you? Are you ready to adopt your own panda and artificially inseminate it? Well, I hope you have deep pockets. All pandas worldwide remain property of China, and it costs a quarter of a million to half a million dollars a year to rent them. Still not deterred? Well, call up China and rent yourself a panda.