In this edition of Hail Corporate we’re going to be turning our eyes to the world of sports, specifically the upcoming NBA Finals. Considering that we usually use this column to showcase people who go crazy for soft drinks the color of nuclear waste or the world’s most overrated coffee, I’m sure a lot of sports fans are going to be up in arms about this choice. See, a lot of people consider their favorite team to be part of their identity, a symbol of pride in the place that you call home. Your humble writer even feels this way about the Boston Red Sox, and I hate to tell my fellow fans who believe that the teams they root for aren’t actually soulless corporations — you’re dead fucking wrong.
Every major sports franchise — even the Winnipeg Jets — is worth at least hundreds of millions of dollars. Marquee teams like the Dallas Cowboys, Los Angeles Lakers, or New York Yankees are worth billions. With an s. The Cowboys, for example, are worth more than the country of Montenegro, which may explain why we’ve never seen Donald Trump push Jerry Jones around. These teams are printing money and making taxpayers look like complete rubes every single time they cry poor about not being able to afford to build their own stadium. Yet, because we are blinded by our love of cheering for laundry (in the words of Jerry Seinfeld), we pretend that these teams aren’t corporations trying to get rich (or more aptly, richer) off of the fans.
Which brings us to the matter at hand, the upcoming NBA Finals between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Golden State Warriors. What’s that? The Cavs haven’t actually won their trip to the finals yet? Doesn’t matter, we all know Boston isn’t coming back. So, Cavs/Warriors. Here are two of the most loyal fan bases in the NBA. People love these teams and they get tattoos for these teams. They like to think that they are surrogates to the gritty, hardscrabble towns they hail from… WRONG.
Golden State is owned by one of the richest lawyers in the country and the Cavs call the guy that founded Quicken Loans boss. Their combined net worth? Around $6 billion. Still think they aren’t corporations? There are multiple players in this series that could consider themselves to be corporations. Under Armor has a basketball business entirely because of Steph Curry. And when you compare Curry’s market value to LeBron James… well, no one compares to the King. The way I see it, anytime a person has their own logo they are a corporation.
I guess this is just a long and rambling way to remind you that your beloved sports team cares about the fans just about as much as Exxon/Mobil cares about the environment. But, that doesn’t mean that we can’t still love watching the games, dammit. Let’s get pumped for a rad NBA finals with these NBA tattoos!