Today’s reader submission about Italian tattoos comes from Vinnie, located in Staten Island, NY. Vinnie says his great-grandfather was “fresh off the boat” and he “reps Italy hardcore.” The opinions in this article are not representative of Tattoodo's, and frankly, they violate a lot of our internal guidelines.
Hey! Tattoodo. Yeah, you little inked up freaks. I fuck with your site a little bit here and there, but it seems to me like you don’t fuck with Italians. What’s up with that? Where are all the Italian tattoos?
I know you’ve got offices in New York and Copenhagen. I don’t know what kind of people you’ve got in Copenhagen, probably blonde people, but if you’ve got an office in New York City I’m pretty certain there’s a few fellow pasta mouths over there. (Editor’s Note: Yes, we have a few employees of Italian descent here. Frankly, we find your submission kind of offensive.)
So let me ask you a question: Why aren’t there more articles about Italian tattoos on this friggin’ site?
Like my grandfather Vinny, and all the Vinnies before him, I’m a doer, not a question asker. I don’t think about shit, I just do it. I’m like that. So I wrote you this article about Italian tattoos. By Italians. For Italians. The sickest ink out there.
Did you know Italy is shaped like a boot? That’s because our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, whom I’m pretty sure is Italian, wanted to make sure the Italians could kick the shit out of anyone else in Western Europe. We can.
Italy is pretty fucking big too. There’s over 61 million people that live here, and 2.6 million in our biggest city, Rome. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Rome? It’s pretty much the cradle of civilization. We’ve also got some islands down there in the bottom of the boot. One of them is called Sicily. THAT IS NOT FUCKING ITALY.
LET ME REPEAT: WE DO NOT CONSIDER SICILY PART OF ITALY.
Want to know why? Ask an Italian. (Editor’s Note: Please do not do this. We do not support this line of logic)
Here’s some other shit you need to know about Italy:
We’re more than pasta. When McDonald’s opened up there in the 80’s, people were like “Fuck this stupid American clown” and a bunch of little old Italian grandmas handed out spaghetti in front of the place to show these losers what real food is. I don’t really fuck with spaghetti though.
I mean yeah, pasta is fucking good, but that’s too many carbs. How am I supposed to stay cut if I’m eating all of those carbs everyday? Pasta and bread? No thanks. I’ll stick with some of our amazing cheeses and meats that we’re known for around the world. Don’t believe that we have the best cheese and meat in the world? No? Go into a Subway. Italian BMT. Best sandwich on the menu. Disagree? Fight me, you coward.
Did you know that Italy has more masterpieces per square mile than anywhere on earth? Half this country is a fucking museum covered in mindblowing works of art from all of the dudes that were named after the Ninja Turtles. Our people are artisans, craftsman, and visionaries. Dare I say that the greatest cultural achievements in all of history were made by the Italians? I dare to say that.
You know what are also masterpieces that you can see with a higher concentration than anywhere else on god’s green earth? Every ass you see. Italian women are the most beautiful creatures on the planet. It’s indisputable fact. Did Michelangelo paint any tall lanky Scandinavian women? I don’t know, because I don’t know much about the artistic achievements of Michelangelo, but I bet he fucking didn’t. Monica Belluci, Alyssa Milano, Isabella Rosselini, Sophia Loren.
NAME A WOMAN HOTTER THAN SOPHIA LOREN. YOU CANNOT DO THAT.
There’s all kinds of other super dope and interesting facts about Italy. I could go on forever. Maybe you’d like to know about how Vatican City is the only city in the world that can lock its own gate at night. (If you make a Facebook comment talking shit about the Pope, calling him a kid diddler, I’ll come to your house and smack you in front of your mother.) Italy has the tallest mountains in Europe, the most volcanoes in Europe, the best cheese in Europe. We even have the Shroud of Turin over there. What up, Jesus? Thanks for coming back, bro!
I’ve got a cannoli that’s getting soggy, so I’m gonna wrap this shit up and show you some of the dopest tattoos you’ve ever fucking seen. Just don’t get it twisted. Italy is the best country on the planet. We have the hottest people, the best foods, the best wine, the best art, and we will scream over you in public places to make sure you know it.
If you have an opinion you’d like to share with the Tattoodo audience, please write us at firstname.lastname@example.org with READER SUBMISSION in the subject line. Please, no more articles about Italian tattoos though.
Okay. These are just tattoos of pasta. We know.