Well, it’s happening. President Trump has made his decision to withdraw from the Paris climate accord. The number of times that we wish Trump pulled out of something (the election, any of his wives, etc.) is damn near infinite. But the one thing that isn’t on that list is this very important climate pact. The United States now holds this esteemed position as an outlier in the fight against climate change with just two countries, Nicaragua* and Syria, countries known more for civil war and human rights violations than for innovation and progress. There’s only 193 other countries in the world. What the fuck do they know?
Pulling out of Paris is the biggest thing Trump could do to unravel Obama's climate legacy save for maybe beating a manatee to death with a balpine hammer on Facebook Live. It sends a message to the rest of the world that says “fuck you and this stupid planet.”
We’re not sure what our doomed planet will look like in 50-100 years, but we imagine it will be something like the film A Boy and His Dog, in which Don Johnson wanders the wasteland that was once the United States with his telekinetic kanine, looking to get laid and then cannibalize his mates. Trump and his supporters will likely have constructed an underground civilization and lure topsiders to milk them for their seed due to the widespread impotence handed down by the Republicans’ decrepit genes. The rest of us will just have to weather the nuclear winter and pray that the radiation puts us out of our misery sooner than later.
*Editor's Note: Nicaragua didn't sign the agreement largely because they felt it was too lenient to enact meaningful change, citing concerns with lack of enforcement, especially with countries that were driving climate change. Nicaragua is actually quickly moving towards using nothing but renewable energy.
The most galling thing about this whole ordeal is that Lil’ Donny doesn’t understand that the number one thing in Climate Change’s crosshairs is the only thing he loves more than his name in gaudy gold lettering — Mar-a-Fucking-Lago. Within a few short years Poseidon is going to ravage this monstrosity, golf course and all, as Operation Sink Civilization kicks into high gear and the oceans rise worldwide. So that dipshit with the nuclear football better stop posing for pictures and learn how to fucking swim. The only upside is that it will be a nice bit of sweet revenge to see Trump stranded in a gold-plated golf cart, staring into the face of the tsunami that will mercifully cleanse him from the Earth, albeit far too late.
So, sit back, grab yourself a chilled (for now) beer, and take in these (warming) summer months. Admire some flowers, remember what a snowflake is. Maybe recycle a little, don’t leave the water running, don’t leave your car idling. What the fuck else can you do?