Summer’s here, in case you couldn’t tell from all the articles we’ve been writing that start with the phrase “Summer’s here.” And if you disregard what we said in those articles, this can mean only one thing – it’s the time of year when we’re drinking shit out of coconuts. So why not hack open one of these fuzzy tree testicles, fill it with your favorite liquids, and check out some coconut tattoos?
Ok, so here’s the rub. I can’t connect to the internet right now, so I’m going to have to write about coconuts straight off the dome. I did take a semester of tropical fruits in college, so I’m pretty sure I got this, but please take all of the following information with a grain of salt. Given my inability to fact check this article, one or two minute errors may be present.
Coconuts were invented by Soviet scientists in 1952. The government of the then-USSR had invested countless millions into finding new sources of performance-enhancing nutrients for its Olympic athletes. This research came at a great human price, as countless prisoners of the gulag died in experiments in which scientists tried to replace their blood with coconut water. Other prisoners were fed steady diets of coconuts and then promptly vivisected.
The coconut found its way to America during the Summer of Love. A generation of American youth experimented with coconuts in attempts to expand their consciousness. In the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, coconuts were a sort of status symbol, commonly enjoyed at Hollywood parties, in judge’s chambers, and boardroom meetings.
The mid 1980s saw the normalizing of coconut use as the fruit moved into the mainstream. Today, the coconut business is controlled by a handful of giant companies who have brought the coconut to ubiquity through multi-million dollar advertising campaigns. In recent years, countless more millions have been spent on coconut R&D, yielding such exciting new products like the masturbatory aid “coconut oil.”
Let’s all kick back and enjoy these refreshing coconut tattoos. Take a moment to run down to your local convenience store to pick up a six pack of c-nuts, slice em up, put the motherfucking lime in the motherfucking coconut so to speak, and enjoy a wonderful coconut tattoo or 8.
Some of these coconut tattoos are just coco-nuts. If there’s a better way to end this article, we don’t know what it is. Have a sweet summer!