For Nerds By Nerds is the column where we look back at some of our favorite nerdy obsessions — video games, comics, obscure b-movies, Magic cards, and so much more. Today we turn our attention back to The Simpsons, specifically paying homage to Chief Wiggum's special little boy, Ralphie.
"My cat's breath smells like cat food." - Ralph Wiggum.
There's a lot of genius in that statement, even if it sounds boldly idiotic on the surface. Springfield, and the world at large, is a much simpler place in the eyes of Ralph Wiggum, one of the most beloved characters from The Simpsons. Of course a cat's breath smells like cat food, that's what they eat, everyone's breath smells like what they eat. But nobody would ever say such an obvious thing, would they? Well, Ralphie would. And that's why we love him so much.
Ralphie is the character that we all relate to but would never, ever want to admit that we do. We laugh our faces off as he cheerfully cries, "Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!" But who among us hasn't longed for the pleasure of a crazy dream after a particularly painful day? As Ralphie wriggles in pain after eating the "purpled berries," he proclaims that they "taste like burning" to our guffaws. But who hasn't gotten a little too bold with the hot sauce and screamed the same thing as they lunge for their water? And we're willing to bet that if you had an ice cream cone smashed on your forehead there is no way in the world you would say anything half as clever as "I'm a unitard!"
While he is not a smart boy — and let's be clear, he is not — Ralphie's spirit is unbreakable. He faces adversity and pain with pluck, a goofy smile, and a will to just keep going. Even when his heart is obliterated by Lisa, on national TV no less, it is just a small blip on the radar for Clancy's resilient son. That's noble and worth admiration. If you are looking for a favorite character on The Simpsons and you choo-choo-choose Ralphie, we certainly wouldn't blame you.
Although it would be nice if he would stop eating so much glue. That can't be good in the long run.
So, there you have it, our tribute to the secretly brilliant Ralphie Wiggum. Here's some free advice for those of you getting a Ralph Wiggum tattoo of your own — if it starts bleeding it means that you're picking it too much. Or not enough.