Before complaining about a specific trend — whether it be in fashion, tattooing, music, whatever — I like to step back and make sure that I’m not acting like an old man screaming “get off my lawn!” I have a little checklist in my head and make sure that the trend meets at least four of my five requirements. And if it does… to the internet I run and let the ranting begin.
So after much deliberation I can tell you the following — getting tattooed on a private jet is the dumbest tattoo trend imaginable and it needed to stop happening yesterday. Von Miller, an outside linebacker for the Denver Broncos, recently took to Snapchat to share his adventures of being tattooed in a plane coming back from the Dominican Republic, and as I watched the video I felt the bile rise up in my throat.
There are a lot of dumb trends in tattooing. Some are inarguably stupid (kids getting their first tattoo on their neck), others are open to some interpretation (coordinate tattoos that are super sentimental but boring as fuck to look at), and many lead to heated debate (don’t ever bring up watercolor tattoos with anyone, ever). Getting tattooed on a jet is much more in the “inarguably stupid” camp than the other two, and allow me to go through my checklist to tell you why.
Is the trend remarkably self serving?
Unless he was soaking in a tub of Cristal and the tattooer was using $100 bills to wipe, we can’t imagine a better way for Miller to proclaim, “Hey world, I’m fucking rich.” Or, more pointedly, “I’m way richer than you are.” Check.
Are you following in the footsteps of assholes?
I like Von Miller. He’s a beast of a defender and he seems like a pretty cool guy with some hilarious tattoos. So I hate to lump him into this category, but the other people we have seen get tattooed on a private jet are Johnny Manziel and Justin Bieber, not exactly the kind of people we are in a hurry to hang out with. Check.
Is the trend unsafe/a terrible idea?
You know what happens when you are on a plane? Turbulence. At the drop of a hat. Having a tattooer’s arm jerk from a very sudden, violent movement is pretty high up on my list of shit I don’t want to happen when I get a tattoo. You could get actually hurt this way, or more likely, end up with a big mistake in your tattoo. Check.
Will anyone even care tomorrow? Is this even worth it?
Essentially what we are looking for here is if people are going to give a shit about this in 24 hours, especially since the Snapchat story will have deleted by then. Miller is going to be walking around with this tattoo for the rest of his life, why risk fucking it up for a stunt that only one angry “tattoo journalist” and the people who were there are going to remember by tomorrow? Check.
Is the trend popular with “the millennials” or “the hipsters?”
Who knows? Who cares? We already checked the other four items on my list! But… considering we’re talking about a professional football player I’m going to go ahead and check this box too. Boom. Check and mate.
In summation, getting tattooed on a private jet is a fucking stupid trend. Rich people of the world, stop it. Stop it right now. Thank you.