Welcome, fellow Pastafarians. Glad you made it out to church this week. Let us begin today’s sermon with a short prayer. Our Flying Spaghetti Monster who art in heaven, hallowed be your noodles. Your beer volcano come. Your will be al dente, on earth as it is in the stripper factory. Give us this day our daily meatballs. And forgive us our doubts, as we also have forgiven the evolutionists. Bring us to the time of pirates, and rescue us from unintelligent design. Ramen.
Today I want to talk to you about the dangers of teaching natural selection in our schools. We all know that the universe was created by the one true God — the Flying Spaghetti Monster — but the evolutionists and other so-called progressives of the world are trying to undermine this eternal truth. In classrooms everywhere, instructors are spewing lies, polluting our children's minds with falsehoods by telling them that they descended from chimpanzees. That’s right, folks, monkeys. They tell our kids that we come from monkeys, when we all know good and well that we come from pirates. It’s outrageous, an abomination, and goes against everything we stand for, and that’s exactly why it’s our duty to steer our boys and girls into the light. If we don’t, they’ll end up drinking stale beer and getting STDs in hell, and we can’t have that, now can we?
I’d like to draw your attention to a passage of scripture. In The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, our prophet, the honorable Bobby Henderson, says the following: “Earth was created in approximately 0.062831853 seconds and was similarly disguised to appear much older. We can be certain that the FSM spent even more time preparing the earth, because, being all-knowing, he was well aware that soon enough there would be nosy people poking around everywhere. Known as 'scientists,' these nosy people have a sick need — probably sexually motivated —to figure out how things work, and so it was even more important that our apparent reality be well designed to hide the truth.”
Can you believe these sex-crazed scientists are ruining all of our God’s good works, making a mockery of everything he’s done for mankind. They’re blasphemous devils, really, but with the Flying Spaghetti Monster on our side, we can fight them. If we take it on ourselves to go out and preach the gospel, denouncing the evil that is evolutionism, then humanity just might have a chance. So go spread the word by getting the graven image of our all-powerful Spaghdeity tattooed on your body.
To see more body art, maybe even a few more supreme beings, make sure to follow these artists on Instagram, or better yet, have one of them whip up a Flying Spaghetti Monster for you.