We Sorted the Tattoodo Staff According to Some Dick Webmaster's Quiz

We Sorted the Tattoodo Staff According to Some Dick Webmaster's Quiz

So, apparently Tattoodo is comprised of a bunch of nerds, but not of the Harry Potter ilk.

So, apparently Tattoodo is comprised of a bunch of nerds, but not of the Harry Potter ilk. With limited knowledge of the workings of the Harry Potter universe, we forced the staff to get their shit sorted out by Pottermore’s sorting hat.


Admittedly, I know very little about the Harry Potter universe. I saw a couple of movies but found them pretty lackluster, that’s about it. But there is one thing that stuck with me over everything else — Harry and his pals are a bunch of fucking whiners and I don’t want to be in their house. Well, thanks to the schmucks over at Pottermore I’ve been sorted into House Gryffindor. I had been really hoping for House Bolton, but apparently that wasn’t an option. Now I have to do some serious soul searching and rethink my life. Am I the Ron Weasely of Tattoodo? Because if that’s the case I’m just gonna yell Expecto Patronum and hope a ghost bear appears to rip my damn head off and end this charade. Sigh. Gryffindor. Really? I thought I was a loner. A rebel. Turns out I’m just an annoying sycophant that wants the world to be a better place. Shit. — CC

What I was most struck by was the slightly moving pictures on the Pottermore site, throbbing with a strange Ken Burns-style effect. After my old-person eyes could adjust and focus on the actual questions, there were some that seemed like an easy breeze and others that made me confused. Do I like the smell of the ocean more than the smell of a log-burning fire? Would I tattle on my classmate or tell him to man up and reveal his cheating ways himself? In the end, I was sorted into Gryffindor, which I’m okay with, though I was hoping for Ravenclaw. I think I’m just too dopey for Ravenclaw. — KD

Well, fuck, according to Pottermore, I’m a Hufflepuff. This house is regularly described as the most inclusive throughout the Harry Potter books and films, which is just a nice way of saying they’ll let anybody in. Yep, I’m basically grouped with all the unexceptional losers, who get labeled as “well-rounded” to make them feel better about not excelling at anything in the world of wizardry and just all-around sucking. The Sorting Hat informing you that you’re a Hufflepuff is basically like having a smallpox blanket tell you to go kill yourself, which is exactly what I’ll probably do after graduating from this dumb school and never finding a job as a potion-maker like I planned. I’m an embarrassment to my family. I might as well be a goddamned Muggle. — RH   

I told the website I was born in 2006 and it didn’t like that and now I’m IP-banned from joining it. Not wanting to be left out of the fun, I took Buzzfeed’s “Which ‘Friends’ Character Are You?” quiz instead. I am Ross. — Servo

When Pottermore first launched in 2011, I was sorted into Hufflepuff, which is wrong, so I kept retaking the quiz (very Slytherin of me) until I was sorted into the house I wanted. It never did. I knew in my heart that I was a Gryffindor with the ambition of a Slytherin who secretly longed to be Ravenclaw. I would rather die by the fire of a hundred Hungarian Horntails than be a Hufflepuff. I may or may not have emailed the webmaster and declared that he/she was a worthless Squib who can't code for shit. 

When Pottermore relaunched last year, it sorted me into Hufflepuff yet again, but this time I couldn't even try to change my house. Also my Patronus was a shrew. A SHREW? Fuck you, new webmaster! 

Today, I created a new Pottermore account and was (rightly) sorted into Gryffindor and my Patronus is a White Stallion. I guess I’ll finally go to Hogwarts! — RA

I was sorted into Gryffindor, which wasn’t a total shock since I’m pretty much good at everything. It’s been great you see, except for the ghost problem that no one really talks about. I keep noticing Nearly Headless Nick floating about the loo while I’m having a pee…  —  JP

Apparently I’m part of the Slytherin crew. I’m not familiar enough with the Harry Potter universe to know what that means, but I know that I’ve never wanted to be a dude that is associated with reptiles. You know how you can look at a dude on the street, usually with long hair and cargo shorts and say to yourself “That’s a guy that almost surely owns an albino ball python and smokes mids,” and you make sure never to talk to him? That’s what comes to mind when I think about Slytherin, but since I didn’t know shit about it, I consulted our good friends at Pottermore and found the following: 

“You probably know that some of Slytherin’s most renowned members include Severus Snape and Bellatrix Lestrange. But did you know Merlin himself was a Slytherin, or that according to legend, the ribbon of a First Class Order of Merlin is green to reflect his Hogwarts house?”

So I’m associated with Merlin? Seems ill. Just don’t tell me I need to hang out with people that own reptiles. I’m not gonna do it. — RF

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