Let’s cut right to the chase. Dolphins are super popular, smiley little sea mammals — but they’re also huge jerks. They’re aggressive, more than a little rapey, and outright cruel to other creatures inhabiting the big blue ocean.
It’s easy to see why so many people feel drawn to these blowhards. They seem to be perpetually smiling. They’ve got a fin so they might be a shark, but wait!, don’t worry, it’s a pod of dolphins. Plus, we’ve got all these various myths about dolphins and humans and their special bond, and even a television show. It’s basically Dolphin Propaganda. Big Dolphin is trying to convince you Flipper is the best, but seriously, get your facts straight.
First, dolphin gang rape is totally a thing. Male dolphins will bully a female dolphin away from the group, and repeatedly force copulate, for weeks at a time. If she gets out of line, they’ll smack her with their tales. Not so cuddly now, are we, Flipper?
Furthering their rapey reputation, dolphins don’t care who their partner is, and in fact have tried on many, many continued occasions to sleep with human divers. Since their penises are prehensile — yes, you read that right, their penises are muscular and can move all on their own like a tail — male dolphins have been known to grab at and hold onto humans with their dicks.
They don’t stop at that though. Dolphins are horny jerks, “playing” with their food and then often figuring out ways to fuck it. They’ll play monkey in the middle with anything that comes their way, and the results are terrifying. Also all this sex stuff isn’t safe — you think dolphins are fashioning little condoms out of sea slugs? Apparently these assholes can also transmit dolphin warts. Come on, Flipper, wrap it up.
Dolphins also bully and abuse other creatures throughout the ocean. Scientists have discovered baby whales, porpoises, and even their own baby dolphins mauled, with their vital organs also pulverized by dolphin echolocation. The jerks are even using their own voice boxes to hurt baby animals.
Despite all of this, the dolphin is one of the most popular tattoo motifs around. The meanings can range — harmony, intelligence, friendship, luck, prosperity, playfulness, freedom, power, generosity, peace — so it makes sense so many people are drawn to dolphin tattoos.