When Gwyneth Paltrow announced in 2009 that she was starting a lifestyle brand, it actually didn’t even register with us. We’re not huge fans of celebrity side projects, we don’t pay a ton of attention to the things an actress or a singer or a reality television star does outside of the big thing that made them famous. We tittered when we learned the name of the brand was Goop, an onomatopoeia that sounds like something out of a Ren & Stimpy cartoon. Then, frankly, we forgot the brand even existed, with a few key exceptions, like when Goop’s 2016 summit was scathingly written about in the NY Post, or when Goop recently announced that jade vaginal eggs were a key to vaginal health.
Ah yes, jade vaginal eggs — now one of the features in a growing wave of criticism being slung at Paltrow’s pseudo-science (if we can even call it pseudo). Goop, especially in the last few years, has been called out by doctors and scientists alike, with articles titled things like “Gwyneth Paltrow is wrong about everything” and “Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop gets called out by NASA over healing stickers.” As the brand has grown and grown, the attention has grown and grown, and Goop’s theories and products just don’t hold up to this level of scrutiny. Despite the many detractors, Goop has chosen now to specifically fight back against critiques of the jade vaginal egg claims of one of its regular contributors, Shiva Rose, Goop’s resident beauty guru/healer/inspiration/friend (you might notice “Doctor” is missing). Rose says these jade vaginal eggs “help cultivate sexual energy, increase orgasm, balance the cycle, stimulate key reflexology around vaginal walls … intensify feminine energy, and invigorate our life force.”
Sure — get down with your bad self and insert whatever fancy crystal you want into your vagina, do some kegel exercises while you’re at it. Use it to get off, we don’t care, just be safe. Of all the things to aggressively argue about, use of some funky-crystal-loving, hippy-life-force jade vaginal eggs is some of the less harmful advice that Goop pushes. But alas, this is the one that’s getting attention, and Goop has armed itself against one of its louder detractors, with an article on their site, “Uncensored: A Word from Our Doctors.”
Whether you’re for or against vaginal crystals, or for or against Goop and Paltrow, you’ll certainly be for these goop and crystal tattoos. You might not feel comfortable inserting a crystal into one of your orifices — so why don’t you show your radical energy and self-love with one of these tattoos instead? People put wacky and silly things on their bodies all the time — we should know, we peruse the internet day in and day out for tattoos of all kinds, and we’ve seen some things. We endorse even the weirdest, worst decision tattoos, because it’s just smarter than taking the advice to shove foreign objects into your body from a pseudo-scientist actress running a hack lifestyle brand.