Welcome to Tattoodo's Harry Potter Week! We kicked things off by sorting all of our employees into houses, which went about as poorly as expected. But now we're turning our attention the the wizard that makes it all happen, Harry Potter himself. Be sure to check back all week for a slew of Hogwarts-centric tattoos.
I grew up in a very stable home with two doting parents. Sure, looking back it was a pretty idyllic childhood, but the presence of those two caring adults was quite a nuisance at the time considering that all of my role models were orphans. I’m not saying I wanted my parents dead, certainly not, but I wouldn’t have complained if they went on a permanent vacation and I got to go adventuring on my own for a while and do cool things like become a secret agent or learn how to wield a lightsaber.
As a kid it seemed only natural that when there is no one around to tell you to do your homework or mow the lawn that you would be destined for greatness. Now, as a thirty something, it seems kind of fucked up that all these literary/movie heroes were orphans. That shit is cray. Which brings us to Harry…
As I have previously said, I’ve always found Harry to be a bit of a whiner. Like, I get it, your parents were slaughtered by an evil wizard (who was also an orphan). Let’s move past the sadness and get to the ass kicking. Which, I’ve been told he eventually does after something like 30,000 pages (or 22 hours if you're a filmgoer), but I still think when it comes to “Fictional Orphan Power Rankings” that Harry is pretty low.
After searching the internet for these rankings and coming up empty, we here at Tattoodo decided to step up and give them to the world. So, in honor of Harry Potter, here are some cool tattoos of the wizard alongside the definitive Fictional Orphan Power Rankings!
1. Batman. He saw his parents killed in front of him and has been wreaking havoc on the underworld ever since. Huge badass.
2. Daenerys Targaryen. Speaking of really long books…. She may not have a mother but the Mother of Dragons kicks all kinds of ass.
3. James Bond. If you were holding out hope that Harry would at least be #1 in the UK you were wrong. You can have your wand, I’ll take a Walther PP7.
4. Kung Fu Panda. On one hand, it’s just Jack Black making terrible jokes. On the other, he’s a fucking bear that knows kung fu.
5. Little Orphan Annie. She really set the bar for using a lack of parents as your brand.
6. Goku. I know very little about anime, but I see tons of dudes dressed up as him at comic-con and they always look like they could beat up the dudes dressed up as Harry Potter.
7. Finn The Human. We consider him a package deal with Jake the Dog, thus vaulting him to this level in the rankings.
8. Spider-Man. But not the weird emo Tobey Maguire version.
9. Luke Skywalker. Like Harry, real fucking whiney. Unlike Harry he knows magic (the Force) AND is an insanely good X Wing pilot AND he can use a lightsaber.
10. Fox McCloud. Star Fox, son. Star Fox.
11. Harry Potter. Hey, you almost made the Top Ten, buddy. Maybe we’ll sort you higher next time.
12. Alvin and the Chipmunks. The movies really dragged this trio of orphans down.
13. Cyclops. We love the X Men, but he suuuuuuuuuucks.
14. Frodo. Stop eating so much breakfast.
15. Quasimodo. Pretty one-note guy. Once they automate the ringing of cathedral bells he doesn’t bring a lot else to the table.
16. Jane Eyre. Yawn. Only time I ever cheated in high school was when I bought an essay off of some senior about this terrible book. I got a B+. $30 well spent.
1,789. Superman. I don’t know if it’s the goody two shoes attitude, the stupid curl in his hair, his endless list of superpowers, or my general dislike of DC Comics not named “Batman,” but boy does the Last Son of Krypton suck. Or maybe it’s simply because he’s too much of an orphan, being the only one of his race and all. That’s probably a little harsh, but I doubt they read Tattoodo in the Fortress of Solitude, so I’m good.
Overall Harry more than holds his own against the other pop culture orphans, although he could improve a bit. Maybe working on his quidditch skills will help. Or possibly he can finally do some cool shit with that invisibility cloak. The point is, Harry is good, not great, when it comes to the orphan rankings. We'll see how he does next year!